


Could Not Ask For More

by Robin Hood (kjack89)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Established Relationship, Heart-to-Heart, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 07:58:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19127851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjack89/pseuds/Robin%20Hood
Summary: Rafael cocked his head. “No disgruntled comment about me referring to your family as wolves?”“They are wolves,” Sonny said grimly, reaching for the bottle of whisky and taking a pull before making a face and setting the bottle down again. “You’ve ruined me for cheap scotch, y’know.”Letting out a chuckle, Rafael crossed over and nudged Sonny’s feet off the cooler before sitting down and reaching for the bottle. “Clan MacGregor,” he said, quirking an eyebrow. “Classy.”“Shut up,” Sonny said, but he already sounded less bitter, even if just for a moment. “Any particular reason you’re referring to my family as wolves?”“Any particular reason you’re hiding in what used to be your childhood bedroom?” Rafael countered.





	Could Not Ask For More

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ships_to_sail](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ships_to_sail/gifts), [ReginaCole](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReginaCole/gifts).



> Me: I need a fic idea to take my pent-up aggression at a attending a family bridal shower out on.  
> ReginaCole: Someone mistakes Sonny for being older than he is and his feelings get bent out of shape.  
> ships_to_sail: Barba and Carisi are forced to attend a family party and Barba's actually trying to enjoy himself but Carisi is shockingly not into it.  
> Me: ...why not both?
> 
> This was genuinely supposed to just be a fun little light thing about Sonny moaning over looking older than he is, and instead it turned into Sonny has an existential life crisis because that's just where I'm at right now. So, uh...enjoy.
> 
> Usual disclaimer. Please be kind and tip your fanfic writers in the form of comments and/or kudos!

“And then,” Dom Carisi said, wiping tears from his eyes, “Jerry had the nerve to ask for a mulligan!”

The small crowd in the backyard of the Carisi’s house on Staten Island erupted into laughter and Rafael Barba forced a smile as if he had understood or cared about his father-in-law’s eighth story about golf that day.

He glanced around the backyard, trying to catch the eye of his husband, who he assumed was cackling with some set of relatives or another.

It was the annual Carisi Fourth of July barbecue, and while Rafael normally got to use work as an excuse to get out of it, this year he didn’t have that luxury.

Hence why Sonny had all but force-fed him scotch on the ferry ride over to Staten Island, knowing that Rafael was normally not ecstatic about attending a Carisi get-together.

But while Rafael was out tolerating Dom’s horrible sense of humor, his husband had apparently disappeared, and Rafael’s mostly false smile slipped as he scanned the backyard.

He grabbed Gina’s elbow as she passed. “Have you seen Sonny?” he asked, aiming for casual and trying not to sound too worried.

Judging by the look she gave him, he had not succeeded. “Worried he’s abandoned you?” she asked with a smirk.

“No,” Rafael said.

A clear lie.

“Well, I haven’t seen him. Ask Teresa, she normally can’t keep her nose out of anyone’s business,” Gina said, with just enough of a sniff that Rafael knew words had been exchanged between the two sisters earlier in the evening.

“Great,” he muttered, tossing back his drink before making his way over to the rickety plastic card table loaded up with liquor bottles next to the coolers of beer and soda that Teresa seemed to be hovering over.

“Rafael,” she said with a sharp smile. “Back for another drink? How many is that?”

Rafael gritted his teeth as he poured another two fingers of bourbon. “Just two,” he said with forced levity, even as he muttered, quietly enough that she couldn’t hear him, “Not nearly enough.”

“What’s that?” Teresa asked.

Rafael straightened with his refill. “Just asked if you’d seen Sonny,” he said innocently.

Teresa made a face. “No, baby brother has been steering clear of me tonight. I saw him talking to Bella earlier, though.” Her scowl deepened. “Though why he would rather talk to her than me...”

She trailed off menacingly and Rafael made a mental note that Sonny was going to need to unruffle some feathers among his sisters. “Well, thanks for your help,” he said, overly cheerfully, taking a swig as he hurried away, scanning the crowd of Carisi relatives for Bella.

Luckily, she was easy enough to spot, playing with her daughter in a mud puddle at the far end of the yard, and Rafael carefully picked his way through the swarms of Carisi relatives over to her. “You look like you’re having fun,” he remarked.

Bella grinned up at him. “You ready to escape?”

“I wish I could,” Rafael said mournfully. “But I appear to be missing something I came with.”

Bella cocked her head for a moment before she laughed. “If you’re looking for the drama queen, he’s sulking in his bedroom.”

Rafael blinked. “Didn’t your parents turn his bedroom into storage?” he asked, before, “And dare I ask — drama queen?”

“He’s being particularly Pisces-like this evening,” Bella said with a sniff that sounded eerily reminiscent of her sisters. “So he’s holed himself up while he tries to drown his sorrows in cheap whiskey.”

“Oh God,” Rafael muttered, all too familiar with the last time Sonny had decided to get crocked on his own.

He really didn’t want to be up at 4 in the morning cleaning vomit off every surface in their bathroom.

Again.

Bella’s grin widened at the look on Rafael’s face. “Remembering the morning after the Carisi family Christmas party?”

“No,” Rafael said. “I’m actually remembering the morning after your daughter’s kindergarten graduation.”

Bella laughed. “Oh man, I forgot about that,” she said, looking almost delighted at the memory. “He really should not have gotten that hammered at a party for a six-year-old. You should talk to your husband about that.”

“And you should talk to your middle sister about telling Sonny at a party for a six-year-old that because he married me that means he’s going to die alone.”

Bella’s smile disappeared. “My sister’s a bitch,” she said bluntly. “And you should probably go see if Sonny could use rescuing, even if just from his sulking.”

Rafael shook his head. “Sonny’s never needed rescuing,” he said. “Least of all from me.”

“Maybe not,” Bella said, raising an eyebrow at him. “But are you really going to turn down the opportunity to disappear for a little while?”

“Good point.”

Rafael raised his glass in a toast before downing his drink and quickly making his way into the Carisi house, slipping past three of Sonny’s great-aunts in the kitchen and stealthily making his way up the stairs to Sonny’s childhood room, which now contained stacks of the kind of crap that took decades of marriage and childrearing to collect.

Sonny was sitting on top of a red and green plastic bin labeled ‘X-MAS DECOR’ in bold Sharpie strokes, his feet propped up on an ancient and massive Igloo cooler, a plastic green bottle of amber-colored liquor sitting on the ground next to him.

To Rafael’s immense relief, the bottle seemed mostly untouched.

“You’re not allowed to abandon me to the wolves and then abscond to your childhood bedroom,” Rafael said in lieu of greeting, leaning against the door jamb.

Sonny glanced up at him and smiled tightly, though it didn’t quite meet his eyes. “Sorry,” he said.

Rafael cocked his head. “No disgruntled comment about me referring to your family as wolves?”

“They are wolves,” Sonny said grimly, reaching for the bottle of whisky and taking a pull before making a face and setting the bottle down again. “You’ve ruined me for cheap scotch, y’know.”

Letting out a chuckle, Rafael crossed over and nudged Sonny’s feet off the cooler before sitting down and reaching for the bottle. “Clan MacGregor,” he said, quirking an eyebrow. “Classy.”

“Shut up,” Sonny said, but he already sounded less bitter, even if just for a moment. “Any particular reason you’re referring to my family as wolves?”

“Any particular reason you’re hiding in what used to be your childhood bedroom?” Rafael countered, taking a swig of whisky and wrinkling his nose.

Sonny scowled. “You’re deflecting.”

“And you’re drinking shitty scotch,” Rafael said, handing the bottle to Sonny.

He arched an eyebrow and Sonny’s scowl deepened. “The shitty scotch was the only thing from the liquor cabinet my pops didn’t take outside for the party. And I’m not hiding.” Rafael just looked at him evenly and Sonny sighed. “Ok, fine, I’m hiding.”

“What happened?” Rafael asked, reaching out to intercept the bottle before Sonny set it back on the floor.

Sonny sighed, more resignedly than anything at this point. “You know my cousin Carla?”

Rafael’s eyebrow inched even higher up his forehead. “Carla Carisi?”

Sonny snorted. “Carla _Marino_ ,” he said, a touch impatiently, though privately, Rafael really felt it wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t remember the surnames of all of Sonny’s dozens of cousins. “My dad’s sister’s daughter.”

“Sure,” Rafael said, though to be honest, he had no idea which cousin Sonny was referring to.”So your cousin Carla…”

His prompt caused Sonny to sigh once more. “So her wife’s sister and I got to talking and of course she asked about my wife because she saw my ring, so I explained that I was married to a man and, y’know, she was cool with it since her sister’s a lesbian—” Rafael took another pull from the bottle, knowing he was in for a long-winded story. He may actually have dozed off for a moment, though he tuned back in when he heard Sonny say, sounding almost insulted, “And then she asked what you did for a living.”

Rafael blinked. “Ah,” he said. “And what did you tell her?”

“The truth,” Sonny told him, grabbing the bottle. “That you’re semi-retired these days.”

Rafael made a face. “Thanks for leaving off the explanation of how I got to be semi-retired.”

Sonny shrugged. “Not any of her business,” he said. “Besides, she, uh—”

His scowl was back fully in place and Rafael reached out to rest his palm lightly against Sonny’s cheek, brushing his thumb over the wrinkles that appeared when Sonny frowned. He much preferred Sonny’s laugh lines to his frown ones. “She what?”

“She asked if I was retired as well.”

Rafael blinked. “Ok…” he said tentatively, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “So?”

Sonny knocked his hand away, glaring at him. “So do I look like I’m old enough to retire?” he demanded, and Rafael gathered that this was likely what had inspired Sonny’s sulking.

Even if he couldn’t quite see why.

“No,” he said honestly. “Which I assume is the point.”

“Exactly,” Sonny said, seething. “I actually laughed because I thought she was joking. But then she just, like, stared at me, so I had to tell her that I’m only 45.”

He sounded completely scandalized and Rafael quickly grabbed the whisky bottle, if only to try to smother his automatic instinct to laugh. “Ok,” he rasped, after he had swallowed a mouthful of liquor. “So she thought you looked as old as me.”

“No, what she actually said was, and I quote, ‘You look so old, though I’m sure being a cop is super stressful’.” The words dripped with sarcasm as he practically spat them out, his distaste clear. “No, what’s super stressful is being related to someone like her.”

Rafael nodded as if he understood, though in truth, he didn’t. While he had plenty of cousins and other assorted relations, none lived in the city and he wasn’t particularly close with any of them, so he would never fully understand the complicated and ever-changing dynamics of the extended Carisi clan.

Besides, thanks to stress-related gray streaks and worry-induced wrinkles, he’d been mistaken for being anywhere between a few years and a decade older than he really was since law school, practically. Though in recent years, after leaving the DA’s office, his wrinkles and gray hair hadn’t actually gotten any worse.

Not that he thought pointing that out to Sonny would help.

“Ok," he said slowly, hoping that by repeating it back to Sonny the man would realize that this wasn’t worth getting his feelings bent out of shape over, “so your cousin’s wife—”

“My cousin’s wife’s sister,” Sonny corrected.

“Right, your cousin’s—“ Rafael broke off. “Hang on, why do you care what the fuck she thinks?”

“I don’t!” Rafael raised an eyebrow at him and Sonny sighed mournfully. “Ok, so I do, a little.” Rafael’s expression didn’t change. “A lot.”

“And I reiterate, _why_?”

Sonny jerked a shrug, his entire body tense. “I just — I dunno. I’m not ready to be old.”

Rafael blinked. “You’re 45,” he said. “Since when is that anything other than firmly middle-aged?”

“Since apparently I look like I’m eligible to start collecting Social Security,” Sonny snapped.

Rafael didn’t recoil at the heat in Sonny’s words, knowing that it wasn’t actually aimed at him. Once upon a time, he would have sniped back and what was already an absurd situation would have escalated into a full-throated argument.

But he had been with Sonny for a long time now, and they both knew each other well enough to know when the frustration wasn’t really about them.

Though Rafael had to admit that sometimes he missed the incredibly hot hate-sex.

And the languid morning-after apology sex.

But they more than made up for it with leisurely, but no less passion-filled, ‘I get to spend the rest of my life with you’ sex. A trade that, to Rafael at least, was more than worth it.

He realized he had zoned out for a moment and shook his head, just slightly. “You and I both know that you don’t look like you’re 60,” he said. “Just like you and I both know that this isn’t actually about how you look.”

Sonny cocked his head. “How do you know that?”

“Because you’re not that vain,” Rafael said simply. “Me, on the other hand — absolutely that vain. But you are not.” He leveled a look at Sonny. “Which begs the question of what this little sulking session is actually about.”

For the first time, Sonny looked almost embarrassed. “It’s not a sulking session,” he said, a touch petulantly, and glanced at Rafael before looking away. “Besides, you’re gonna be mad.”

“I am fascinated to hear where this goes.”

Sonny sighed. “It’s just...I apparently look like I’m old enough to be approaching retirement. And I just…” He trailed off. “There were things I thought I’d get to by now. Milestones I thought I’d hit.”

“Like actually reaching retirement age?” Rafael asked dryly.

Sonny glared at him. “Like kids,” he said flatly, and Rafael’s smile disappeared. “Like a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence. Like a more stable position in the NYPD, something that doesn’t routinely put me in the line of fire and also lets me get home at a decent hour at least every now and again.”

“On that last point, you and I agree,” Rafael murmured. He searched Sonny’s expression carefully. “Do you want those things? Because it’s not too late, you know.”

Sonny’s brow furrowed. “Uh, pretty sure the having kids and a house in the ‘burbs ship sailed when we got married.”

Rafael shrugged, remembering all too well the conversations that had threatened to derail their burgeoning relationship before they could even make it on a proper date. There had been a lot of late night discussions, a lot of figuring out what both of them wanted and if they could build a future together that both of them would be happy with. “For me, it did,” he said. “But for you…”

He trailed off and Sonny looked downright flabbergasted. “What, you think I’m gonna divorce your ass just because I thought I’d have kids by now?”

“No, I don’t,” Rafael said calmly. “Because you love me and you’re happy with me and in this marriage and the choice not to have kids is one we made together.”

“Then why are you even bringing it up?”

“Because you do have that option,” Rafael said simply. “If you thought you’d hit those milestones by now, if you’re regretting that, you still have time to change it. Because you’re _not_ old, Sonny.”

Sonny’s brow furrowed. “I don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Have that option. That’s never been an option, that’s never gonna be an option. Not for me — not for us.”

Rafael sighed. “Legally—”

“Catholic,” Sonny interrupted, his voice tight. “Remember?”

“Gay,” Rafael countered. “Or have you forgotten that this whole marriage thing isn’t exactly sanctioned by the Church?”

“We were married in a church,” Sonny said stubbornly, because they had been, at Sonny’s insistence, married in a church by an actual ordained minister even, though certainly not a Catholic one. “Which as far as I’m concerned is all that matters. So no, I don’t have that option. Nor do I even want that option.”

“Ok,” Rafael said. “Then why are you hiding up here?

“Because even if I don’t want it, aren’t I allowed to feel a bit...I dunno, a bit sad over a life I’ll never have?”

Rafael sighed. “Of course you are,” he said, feeling tired and, ironically, old. “You’re allowed to feel anything and everything you feel.”

Sonny looked at him carefully. “But you think I’m nuts.”

“Well, yes, but not because of this.” Sonny didn’t smile and Rafael sighed again. “I’m going to go back down to the party,” he said, standing and kissing the top of Sonny’s head. “You need some space.”

But Sonny reached up and grabbed Rafael’s hand, holding him in place. “I’m sorry,” he said, and before Rafael could ask what for, he flashed a smile and added, “I must really be miserable if you’d prefer my family over me.” Rafael laughed lightly and Sonny’s smile softened. “You know I love you, right?”

“Of course,” Rafael said instantly. “And I love you.”

“And you’ve never felt this way?”

There was something so heartbreakingly unsure in Sonny’s voice and Rafael didn’t hesitate before he sat down next to him on the tub of Christmas decorations. “Truthfully, no,” he said. “But that’s in large part because the life I thought I’d be living right now is frankly much more depressing than this one.” He laced his fingers with Sonny’s. “I have everything I could ever want, even a metric ton of in-laws whose names I can never quite remember. And I have you.” He squeezed Sonny’s hand. “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t understand that there was more you wanted out of your life than this.”

“There wasn’t more that you wanted?” Sonny asked, somewhat skeptically. “This is really where you wanted to be?”

Rafael arched an eyebrow as he glanced around the room at all the boxes that surrounded them. “Well not _here_ , per se, but—”

“But with your job?” Sonny pressed. “With your career?”

Rafael’s smile faltered, and he took a long moment before answering. “Sometimes I wish things had been different,” he said finally. “And I can pinpoint about eighteen different places in my life where I could’ve made a different decision and it would’ve changed everything after that moment. Maybe I’d be a judge now, or the DA. Hell, maybe I’d still a be defense attorney and making bank.”

Sonny wrinkled his nose. “God, I hope not,” he said. “We wouldn’t be married if you were a defense attorney.”

“We wouldn’t be married if I had made a different decision any of those times,” Rafael said gently. “Which is kind of the point. Even if I had achieved everything I thought I wanted, there is a part of me that would always miss this without ever even knowing what it was I was missing. Because right here, right now, yes, even surrounded by the decades of crap your parents have hoarded that I’m decidedly not looking forward to cleaning out when they finally move into a nursing home — this is what I want.”

“Even—”

“Even being forced into semi-retirement by my own stupidity,” Rafael said. “Because I get to be there when you get home from work.” He smiled at Sonny, reaching out again to brush the tips of his fingers against Sonny’s cheek. “And as good as winning in court felt, it has nothing on watching your face light up when you walk in our apartment and see me.”

Sonny smiled tentatively, his eyes suspiciously wet. “Sap,” he whispered, turning his head to kiss the palm of Rafael’s hand.

“Yeah probably,” Rafael acknowledged. “And I sure as shit wouldn’t be that if I was still at the DA’s office.”

They sat together in comfortable silence for a few moments before Sonny slowly shook his head. “Maybe that’s the problem,” he said finally. “I’m not where I want to be.” Rafael didn’t say anything, not trusting himself to speak, and Sonny glanced at him before quickly adding, “With you I am. I love you, and I am thankful every single day that you love me, too. But…” He trailed off, clearly struggling to explain what he was feeling. “I want to have dinner with you,” he said finally.

Rafael blinked. “Ok,” he said slowly. “So you want to get out of here, or—?”

“No, not right now,” Sonny said impatiently. “I mean — I want to come home from work and have dinner with you. Not just once, maybe twice a week, but every day. Or at least most days. I want days off to spend with you, more than just everytime the Detective’s Endowment Association gets pissed and forces time off on us. I want—” He broke off, something like determination creeping into his expression. “I want us to actually have a life together. I don’t wanna wait til retirement to spend time with you.”

Rafael nodded slowly, reaching out to run his fingers lightly through the silver streaks in Carisi’s hair. “You know,” he said carefully, “you don’t have to.”

Sonny snorted. “Ok, sure, I’ll just tell Liv that while she and Amanda don’t get to spend time with their kids, I’m gonna take a couple days to spend time with my husband.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Rafael said. “I meant, you can retire.”

Sonny froze. “Did we not just establish that I’m only 45?”

“You’ve put in your twenty years of service with the NYPD,” Rafael said evenly. “Which means that you’re eligible for retirement. If you want it.”

Sonny studied him for a long moment. “You mean it, don’t you,” he said, sounding a little surprised.

Rafael shrugged. “I just want you to know what your options are. And unlike divorcing my stubborn ass, this is one option you actually have.”

Sonny shook his head slowly. “What would I do if I was retired?” he asked, more rhetorically than anything. “And don’t bring up my law degree, Raf, you and I both know I was never gonna practice law.”

Rafael laughed lightly and held his hands up defensively. “I wasn’t going to say it,” he said. “But there’s a lot of other things you could do. Things that would let you get to spend more time with me, if that’s really what you want.”

“Would you still love me if I wasn’t a cop?”

Rafael stared at him. “Everytime you leave our apartment in the morning, every single time you strap on your badge and gun, there’s a part of me that doesn’t breathe until you come back. I didn’t fall in love with you because you’re a cop, Sonny — if anything, I fell in love with you _despite_ you being a cop.” Sonny made a face but Rafael didn’t let him interrupt. “I fell in love with you because you’re a good man who does everything in his power to help people. And since I’m pretty sure that’s a personality trait that would be true regardless of your profession, yes, I would still love you if you weren’t a cop.”

Sonny nodded and Rafael hesitated before saying, “But what I think doesn’t really matter. What matters is, would you be happy if you weren’t a cop?”

Sonny blinked, startled. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I haven’t thought about it in a really long time.”

“Then you should take some time and think about it,” Rafael told him, standing up and bending once more to kiss the top of Sonny’s head, lips curving into a grin as Sonny tilted his head back to catch Rafael’s lips with his own. “And in the meantime, I should go make the rounds with your family before someone gets suspicious and comes looking for us.”

“I have a better idea,” Sonny said, standing as well. “Let’s go home.”

“You sure?” Rafael asked.

“Well, it’s not like I’m gonna make a decision right now,” Sonny said with a shrug. “And I’d much rather spend time with my husband than pretend to care that my great-aunt Fortunata decided to swap Miracle Whip for mayo in her pasta salad.”

Rafael blanched. “White people,” he muttered with disgust before looking up at Sonny and smiling. “Alright, then. Let’s go home.”

They started to leave but Rafael paused. “Wait, shouldn’t we tell your mother? You know how she gets, and if we just leave—”

“Raf, my ma probably thinks we snuck out a half hour ago,” Sonny said patiently. “Or at least, she hopes we did, because otherwise she probably thinks we’ve been, y’know…”

He waggled his eyebrows at Rafael, who rolled his eyes. “Your mother’s a perv,” he said dryly.

Sonny just shrugged. “Yeah, probably,” he said, grinning when Rafael shuddered. This time, as they headed out, it was Sonny who hesitated, reached for Rafael’s hand. “Hey, uh—”

“What now?” Rafael asked, though it was with obvious fondness. “And if you even so much as suggest that we prove your mother right—”

“You’re where I want to be.”

Rafael blinked. “Sonny—”

“Not everything is where I wanted it to be right now,” Sonny said. “But you are what I have always wanted. And I—” He broke off, searching Rafael’s expression. “I wanted to make sure you know that.”

“I know,” Rafael whispered, drawing him close and kissing him gently. “You’re where I want to be, too.”

Sonny half-smiled, his expression soft. “Good,” he said. “Because as long as I got you, I can figure the rest out.”

Rafael laced their fingers together and squeezed Sonny’s hand. “We’ll both figure the rest out,” he said. “Together.”

“Yeah,” Sonny said, his smile widening. “Together. Always.”

Rafael kissed Sonny once more. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go home. Together.”


End file.
